venus as a bone

With regards to my sister’s husband, a part of me feels resigned. Like, nothing I can say or do is going to make anyone listen to me or take what he did seriously. And I do love my sister very deeply and want her in my life but she just shuts down any time there is any conflict (especially around her husband). And my parents have pretty much tried to do the “let’s keep this civil for the sake of the family” thing, which the end result is “let’s pretend nothing happened.” The only person who has been relatively understanding is my little brother & even he can only do so much. So I feel resigned, really resigned. But then I think about the fact that my sister’s husband still does community theater and I know that he used to get creepily obsessed with the younger actresses and I seriously doubt that has changed. I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick.

My sister shared this article I posted on fbook about James Franco & rape culture and as soon as I saw that her husband had “liked” it, I felt this surge of something (chemical, maybe? i don’t know) all throughout my body. I feel nauseous. A part of me wants to start shit because it still sickens me that my family refuses to really look at his predatory behavior & it sickens me that he tries to pass himself off as some sort of feminist dude when here I am, 27 years old and still having flashbacks and nightmares about shit he said to me when I was 13-17.

in the ebb and flow of depression, right now i am squarely in that very bleak and nonchalant place of no motivation/no real desire to continue existing. haven’t been able to leave my apartment for 2 days kind of thing. so i am posting this picture of me and gwen because she has pretty much been at my side nearly 24/7, sitting on me and grooming my arm. i am convinced she is an angel.

in the ebb and flow of depression, right now i am squarely in that very bleak and nonchalant place of no motivation/no real desire to continue existing. haven’t been able to leave my apartment for 2 days kind of thing. so i am posting this picture of me and gwen because she has pretty much been at my side nearly 24/7, sitting on me and grooming my arm. i am convinced she is an angel.

I got a lot of new followers in the past few days (hi?) so i feel the need to say a few things:

in terms of my overall content:
-you will probably be disappointed if you followed me thinking this is a poetry blog. i do sometimes post things about poetry but mostly this is a depressed dyke blog. i’ve also been writing a lot about emotional abuse & sexual violence (i do use trigger warnings in my tags; let me know if you need something tagged).

ALSO (and this is huge):
unfollow me if you are a TERF. i will not entertain any transmisogynist bullshit.

I want to know what she said to the cockroaches. What do you say to a whole bucket full of cockroaches?

doskapozora:

venusbone:

"It was about killer cockroaches or something and I was just like, NOPE."
-Andrew, on the X Files episode he skipped

Ok BUT this episode has the most important page on Wikipedia:

 ”The show’s animal trainer, Debbie Cove, used around three hundred cockroaches for this episode. Cove later noted that only one of the cockroaches died during the filming, due to old age. Director Kim Manners was very pleased with the way the cockroaches behaved, noting that “every shot I wanted to get, they got.” Cast and crew members later recalled that Manners began giving orders to the roaches. Cinematographer John Bartley explained, “when I saw Kim Manners talking to a bucket of cockroaches, that was a highlight for me.”“

I didn’t know how much I needed to read “Kim Manners talking to a bucket of cockroaches” until now.

"It was about killer cockroaches or something and I was just like, NOPE."
-Andrew, on the X Files episode he skipped

Maybe I am beating a dead horse here but part of my investment in this debate over trigger warnings is really specifically linked to the fact that I grew up surrounded by this Naropa style poetic posturing (because my dad is a poet) & I have really, really mixed feelings about what early exposure to this stuff did to me. I don’t want to get into all of it BUT I will say that growing up, I totally internalized my father’s opinions of writing (and unsurprisingly a lot of them are total straight white dude nonsense) and I have struggled to undo them.

And to be frank, my dad’s adulation of transgressive bad boy artists (I mean, he’s an intense Ginsberg fan, if that gives you any idea of what he’s into) DID normalize sexual violence/predatory behavior for me. Like as an example: when I was six years old, my dad, for whatever reason, thought it was a good idea to watch the Roman Polanski Macbeth (wtfffff) in the living room while my brother and I were hanging out and playing. There is a really graphic gang rape scene of a young girl in this particular adaptation & I remember seeing this, identifying with the girl BECAUSE I WAS ALSO A YOUNG GIRL and really freaking out but not even having the language to understand what I was seeing and feeling. My mom heard me crying, came in from the other room and started screaming at my father. “What in the hell are you thinking? They’re 6 and 4!” And my dad kept saying things like, “IT’S SHAKESPEARE. THEY CAN HANDLE SHAKESPEARE.” 

This argument really stuck for me, in part because my dad would revisit it every now and then when I was an adolescent to poke fun at my mom for being a “prude” or for being “religious.” Very much using the language of censorship, all the while constructing himself as this sort of transgressive bearer of Culture. I am ashamed to admit that I would laugh along with him. My whole fucking family would laugh along with him (including my sister’s husband who had a vested interest in casting my mom as a backwards conservative prude because he himself is a predator) & my mom would get angry and shut herself up in her bedroom. I actually brought this up the last time I talked to my mom on the phone and apologized for it because I see now what was really going on. Which was, my mother was being a good parent and my father was actively undermining her in the name of his right to enjoy whatever art he wanted to enjoy at that particular moment. And this also goes to show that my mother actually understands what those kinds of images mean, the violence that they can enact and my father doesn’t. My dad considers himself a feminist, btw/lol.

Anyway, this shit is complicated and I am not saying that my dad’s bankrupt aesthetic stances are the main reason why I’ve had problems identifying violence enacted upon my person as actually violent. BUT they certainly reinforced other messages I was receiving that taught me to minimize the violence at all cost.

doskapozora:

(((Regarding CAConrad’s House of Horrors, Part 2: It is bizarre and disgusting to me when people can’t (won’t?) distinguish between “think of the children!!!” as reactionary political tool, and actually thinking of actual children as a basic part of compassion & justice & empathy // It is bizarre and disgusting to me when people try to distinguish between Tipper Gore’s rhetorical “but think of the children!” and their own rhetorical “but think of the children [who are victims of drone strikes]!!!”)))

Anyway, there are some other things I’d like to discuss from that Entropy roundtable (especially some of the things Andrea Lawlor and Aishah Shahidah Simmons had to say) but I am still too grossed out about the way CAConrad co-opted that conversation from survivors and/or educators who have integrated some form of trigger warning (or at the very least, a heads’ up) in classrooms/readings.